


tainted lungs

by simonsantiago



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AUUUUU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, angsttttt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 16:50:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7471584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonsantiago/pseuds/simonsantiago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanahaki Byou(花吐き病): The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tainted lungs

Raphael loved flowers.

He loved the way they felt against his skin, soft and delicate, he loved the way it seemed to brighten up people's day, the way his mom’s day brightened up when he would bring her a bunch of flowers he plucked from the ground on his way home from school. He loved the colours, he loved the smells, and he loved how each and every single flower meant different things.

Until one day, he didn't.

He was studying for finals when it happened.

He coughed into his hand but thought nothing of it. He went back to studying but the second his hand uncurled, a bright red rose petal fell from his hand. He stared down at his hand, unblinking.

He heard about this through social media. He'd researched it for his English paper last semester. Part of him believed it to be true but most of him thought it was a myth. Sure, there were thousands of studies done on it but he didn't think it was true, he definitely didn't think it would ever happen to him.

He prayed it wouldn't happen to him.

But these petals proved what he'd feared.

He came to terms with his feelings about Simon Lewis a couple of weeks ago. The feelings had always been there but he only stopped denying them when he realized his feelings weren't going to change no matter what he did. He knew Simon was in love with Clary but he thought the other boy would eventually get over it once she started dating Jace.

But he hadn't yet.

Raphael wondered if he was coughing up flowers as well.

He picked up the petal and threw it into the trash, trying to push it to the back of his mind.

He couldn’t afford to fail this final. 

* * *

But it didn't stop, it only got worse.

The more he saw Simon and the more he didn't reciprocate Raphael's feelings, the worse the coughs were and the more petals fell from his lips. He tried to hide it but it was getting increasingly hard.

He couldn't go to university without running to the bathroom every few minutes. He couldn't be near Simon because his breath would stop and his heart would clench and a coughing fit would arise. He couldn't leave his dorm without fear of someone finding out. And thankfully for him, his roommate and best friend, Magnus spent more of his time with his boyfriend Alec than he did with Raphael.

"Raphyyyyyyy!" Simon sang, bursting through his door. "We need to talk."

Raphael froze, his eyes going wide. He immediately pulled up the covers to his mouth. He couldn't let Simon see what the other boy was doing to him.

"What do you want?" Raphael said, his voice muffled.

"Why have you been avoiding us?" Simon asked. "And why do you look like shit."

He walked towards Raphael and reached out a hand.

"Are you sick?" He asked, attempting to put a hand against Raphael's forehead.

Raphael shoved his hand away.

"I'm fine." He grumbled. "Go away."

But he wasn't fine.

He was never going to be fine, at least not until Simon returned his feelings.

He felt a cough bubbling up but he forced it down as much as he could.

"Raphael," Simon frowned, concern and hurt and disbelief clouding his features.

Raphael looked away.

"Please." He whispered. "I can't do this right now."

He didn't hear anything for a couple of seconds. Then he heard a soft click. As soon as he was gone, red rose petals covered his bed and floor. His throat was aching and his chest was burning. He shoved his face into his pillow, pulled his covers on top of him, and willed himself to get some sleep.

He woke up in the middle of the night to Magnus cleaning up the petals. He instantly sat up, his heart beating erratically in his chest.

“Why didn't you tell me?" Magnus demanded, voice hard and rough, once they made eye contact.

Raphael averted his gaze. "I didn't want to burden you."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Magnus yelled. "You're my best friend. The brother I never had. Nothing concerning you will ever be a burden to me."

"Magnus," Raphael said, voice small and hesitant. "I think I'm gonna die."

Magnus sat next to him, the remaining petals forgotten, and wrapped his arms around Raphael.

"It's Simon, isn't it?" Magnus asked quietly.

Raphael nodded into the crook of his shoulder. They stayed like that for a very long time, Magnus' hold only getting tighter as the minutes passed by. But it made Raphael feel 100 times better. He needed this, he needed to get this off his chest, he needed someone to be there for him.

"Why don't you get surgery?" Magnus asked once he pulled away. "I know you can get rid of the flower like that."

"But then I'll never _feel_ anything for Simon ever again and I don’t want to find out how that feels."

"Raphael," Magnus started to protest.

"I'll never feel anything romantic for him ever again. I don't want that. I don't want to be lonely."

His best friend opened his mouth to protest some more but it was all swallowed once Raphael started to cough, the petals falling on to their laps.

Magnus looked at him in alarm, his eyes widening and his brows furrowing. Raphael looked down at his trembling hands and tried to force them to stop but it was too much.

"Why isn't it stopping?" Magnus asked quietly after several minutes had passed and Raphael was still vomiting the bright red petals.

This was the first time he’d coughed up so much. And he was sure it wouldn't be the last time. Raphael didn't say anything, just closed his eyes and turned away from his best friend.

"Raphael," Magnus whispered in horror.

When it eventually stopped, Magnus stared at him.

"You have to get the surgery done." He told Raphael.

"No, Magnus."

"Raphael! You can't do this to yourself!"

Raphael shook his head. "I can do whatever I want to myself. It's none of your business."

"Like hell it isn't!"

"I'm tired." Raphael said and drew back into his covers.

Magnus mumbled incoherently under his breath.

"Think about everyone else. Your family and friends, then decide." Magnus said softly before leaving their dorm, slamming the door shut.

Raphael wrapped his comforter around him, his whole body shaking.

His chest and heart felt heavy.

His throat was throbbing.

His vision was fuzzy.

His head was hurting.

He cried himself to sleep that night.

* * *

Raphael was forced to drop out of university.

He couldn't focus on anything anymore and he couldn’t let his friends and classmates see what was happening to him.

He was getting paler and much, much weaker.

The relentless coughing fits were draining all of his energy, he could barely stay awake. At times he couldn’t even support his own head.

He didn’t have the energy to leave his bed or walk or do anything. Magnus had to bring him food and stay with him to make sure he didn’t _die_. But it was inevitable, whether Magnus was with him or not.

He avoided Simon like the plague. He told himself that it was less painful that way. He ignored the multiple texts he got every day from Simon which eventually turned to a few texts, then to none at all.

It was better this way.

He didn’t need Simon finding out.

Raphael was watching a movie one night when he coughed up an entire rose into his hand. He looked down at it, his vision turning blurry.

It was getting much worse.

In a couple of days he would be gone.

He crushed the rose and threw it across the room, movie forgotten.

As the days went on Raphael could feel the rose growing inside his body.

He could feel the thorns poking his intestines.

He could feel it reaching his chest.

Sometimes it got hard to breathe. 

* * *

"Stop this, Raphael." Magnus shouted at him one day. “Get the fucking operation!”

"I don't want to."

"Why the hell not?!"

"Because feeling like this is better than feeling nothing at all!" Raphael tried to shout back but it wasn't more than a whisper.

He couldn't raise his voice anymore.

"Don't be fucking selfish!"

"Do you think people with cancer are selfish?"

Magnus glared at him. "Cancer isn't always curable! This is! People with cancer don’t have a _choice_. You do!”

“And my choice is to let it kill me!” Raphael retaliated, his voice hoarse.

“What about your family, Raphael? Your parents, your little brothers? What about them?” Magnus asked, lips thin and angry.

Raphael swallowed. “I’m not talking to you about this anymore.”

Magnus huffed and angrily stormed out of their dorm. 30 minutes later, Simon walked in.

“Raphael,” Simon breathed, immediately joining Raphael on his bed.

“Simon,” He croaked out. “why are you—”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

Raphael shrugged and stayed mute.

“Who is it?”

He looked away from Simon. “No one.”

“If it was no one, you wouldn't be in this condition.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Raphael whispered. “He doesn't feel the same way and he’s never going to.”

“Well, whoever he is, he’s fucking stupid.”

Raphael frowned. “He’s _not_. Don’t call him that.”

“This guy is killing you and you’re still defending him?”

“What about you? Wouldn't you defend Clary?”

Simon frowned. “Why would I need to defend Clary?”

“Because you like her…?”

He scoffed. “My feelings for her were never real. I thought I liked her but it was like I forced myself to like her because she’s the only girl I’ve ever really known, you know?”

“No.” Raphael deadpanned. “That makes no sense.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

“Do you…like anyone?” Raphael asked hesitantly.

Maybe there was hope for him after all.

Maybe Raphael had a chance, even a small one.

Simon smiled softly, his eyes lighting up.

Raphael’s throat clogged up, his chest starting to ache.

He wished he could be the one to put that look on his face.

“I do.” Simon said, ducking his head shyly. “Isabelle.”

 _It’s not me_. Raphael thought. _It was_ never _going to be me_.

The small glimmer of hope he had was gone. He and Simon were never going to be anything more than friends and Raphael was stupid to hope otherwise.

“I think she likes me back.” Simon said, his cheeks flushing a bright red, the same colour as the petals Raphael had been coughing out the past 2 weeks. “Anyway, you’re getting the surgery right?”

Raphael didn’t say anything.

“You’re getting the surgery, right?” Simon asked, voice high and panicked.

“I don’t think so.” Raphael replied in a small voice.

“What?” He yelled. “Why the fuck not?”

“I don’t want to stop feeling.”

“You’ll find someone else.” Simon insisted. “Whoever this person is, he’s not worth it.”

_He is._

_He’s worth more than anything._

Raphael cleared his throat. “There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.”

Simon made an aggravated noise in the back of his throat and glared at him.

“Please don’t do this.” He told Raphael. “Please do the operation. You’re my best friend, Raphael. I can’t lose you, not like this, not when you can be cured.”

Raphael’s heart clenched painfully. He didn’t know what to say to that so he stayed silent.

The silence didn’t last long.

Before they knew it, Raphael was coughing out petals. Raphael tried to stop them, he didn’t need or want Simon witnessing this. He covered his mouth but the petals made their way through his fingers and on to his lap.

He looked away from Simon’s concern filled gaze and prayed it would be over soon.

It wasn’t over soon.

He blacked out before he stopped coughing. 

* * *

When he woke up, his vision was blurry, his insides hurt, and his throat was sore. He brought his hands up to rub the sleep away from his eyes and tried to sit up but a shot of pain coursed through his abdomen. He groaned and fell back into his bed. He blinked until everything came into focus.

He wasn’t in his bed.

He was in a hospital bed and sitting in front of him was a sleeping Simon.

Raphael waited for his heart to speed up and his breath to hitch and his stomach to sink.

But he didn't feel any of that.

He didn’t feel anything looking at Simon.

He didn’t feel happiness or sadness or _anything_.

His mind and heart were void of any and all emotion.

He stared at Simon in horror when realization dawned on him. They made him have the surgery. They took the roses growing in his body out.

They took away his feelings for Simon.

It felt weird, looking at Simon and feeling nothing at all.

He didn’t like it.

He didn’t like not feeling anything. But there was nothing he could do about it.

“Raphael, you awake?” Magnus whispered, hesitantly pulling the curtain away.

“Who gave them my consent?” Raphael demanded.

His best friend sighed and sat at the edge of his bed.

“Your parents.” He answered.

“Why did you tell them?!”

“Because they had a right to know.” Magnus hissed. “Their fucking son was _dying_. And because you weren't in a conscious state of mind, your parents made the decision.”

“None of you had the right.” Raphael gritted out.

“Your parents did and still do. No matter how old you are, you signed the consent form. The doctors had no choice.”

Raphael looked past him and at Simon, who was still sleeping despite Magnus and Raphael raising their voices.

“I don’t feel anything for him.” Raphael said quietly. “I feel numb when I look at him and I don’t like it. I feel uneasy.”

Magnus softly patted his leg. “You’ll find someone else.”

“That’s the thing, I never wanted anyone else.” He sighed.

“I’m sorry,” His best friend said gently.

Raphael waved him off, suddenly exhausted. “I'm gonna sleep.”

“You’ve been asleep for 3 days.”

“Wouldn’t hurt to sleep some more.” Raphael shrugged and pulled the covers over his head.

Magnus gave his ankle a gentle squeeze before getting up and leaving the room. Raphael closed his eyes and immediately fell into a deep slumber.

* * *

Raphael used to love flowers and a boy named Simon.

Until one day, he didn't.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've read a lot of fics where this was the plot and it's easily become one of my favourite au ideas. mostly bc i live for angst lol. i was originally going to kill raphael off but he's my son and i couldn't do that.
> 
> thanks for reading!


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